I just realised I’ve been such an angry person for the past few months. I keep exploding and keep getting agitated at the smallest of things argh.
So much for “standing for myself” when all I do is just get really angry.
Proven over and over again pride does more harm than good, learn to ignore things for some things are just really not worth tackling.
“And so the brainless, vapid, shallow, all oblivious, self and look obsessed gay teen gets it all without the slightest effort. And the ones who make themselves acquainted with ideals, love, books and substances find themselves at the losing end, ironically for doing the things they thought would make them special.”
“Maybe next year I’ll have no time to think about these questions to address.”
It will never be; for hard workers never get anything, selfless people get everything, and the people you do your best for will Never see the reasons why you’re being like this.
They’ll treat someone else better, and nobody will see any fault - for really, it was just you all along who gave it all when no one asked for it.
Such an unhealthy cause. One which just leaves you exasperated from the smallest of reminders and exhausted with yourself after being drained from everything else. And it’s horribly self degrading to know that the only practical solution to this is to abandon this whole thing, and try, for the trillionth time, to forget things and move on.
This concept of abandoning issues you fought so hard for previously is extremely self degrading. And it’s just really sad that you have to take that fall. Or falls for that matter. But really, how can one with any sense of self worth come to terms with that?
It’s crazy and inane how these rushes of emotions are. This (at the expense of sounding melodramatic) drowning, incompetent, disgusting, disappointing, self loathing and infuriating surge of feelings chain you down and god help you for it just really keeps burning inside despite your sound mind screaming for you to stop.
Then after everything settles down, you remove your horns from your outburst and apologize to everyone for being emotional - and again you find yourself in an awkward spot for defending your emotions while being apologetic about it. It’s ridiculously stupid!
And just like all other ex lovers who abandoned when things got suffocating, you will never ever understand the reasons why I feel this way. I don’t fully know myself for sure too, but I know one time, not too long ago, you felt the exact same way for a previous lover. And he, your previous lover, felt the same way too but not towards you. He back then, like you now, never saw (and never will) understand the confusing bipolar hate-love relationships exes have with each other, the envy and resentment involved, the issues of self competence and this inane obsession/yearning of Whys.
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One day, when I’m all grown up, I won’t feel that pinch when people mention your name, or talk about what you do, or what you’ve been up to, and be able to talk about this with hearty laughs.
An emotional wreck once again.
Gym it off gym it off there is nothing better than gyming. There is nothing better than gyming.
Need to keep my emotions in check :/
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Things have been okay in general. Been away from a lot of people, not necessarily happier but definitely more comfortable. I was never a people person, and it’s time I work on that. So many years were spent trying to make me a “better” me just because I felt I didn’t fit in. Tried to be more out spoken, tried to be opinionated, tried to blah blah blah - not quite the return investment.
But hey I’m really thankful for having friends like the gay boys hahaha and the close girl friends.
And so if enclosure brings me comfort and minimal (not absolute nil) contact with people make me happy, then so be it.
Yes, then so be it :)
Your ideals are nothing. Adults don’t have ideals - Adults have jobs, bills to pay, decisions to make, and money to think.
They don’t have ideals to forge and chase after.
You’re not an adult.
I guess I can get disgusted…well ok fine if there was any shame left in me as of now it’d be me being honest so here goes.
Yes it takes me a while before I sit back and reliase how easily things can get to my head. Hell my ego could balloon so huge even my mother could see it from Gombak if I gym at Paragon. Haughhh
Finally after these months the dust has finally settled.
But of course, one has to learn that no one is “Titanium”, and you will get shot and take that fall, for there will always be things that weigh you down. Understanding the limitness of being real and going beyond ideals are most probably the best ways to make yourself stronger - not through some song induced moment of heightened self pride/awareness/pity.
Take the falls when necessary, take a bow when it’s time, and have some humility.
A mess yet again. Spent a ridiculous amount of money, all my savings are gone.
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And yet all I want is still you. Made myself pissed drunk last night, only because I couldn’t take how you’re still together with him. Get awfully sad when I see you with him, and feel awfully useless when I see how you treat him. Drank and drank and drank, I’ve never spent so much on drinks ever. Couldn’t stand how you still send me text messages while you’re with him. Can’t stand how you’re there at the first floor with him the moment I stepped out of the lift.
